In my very early 20’s, my very first job was
at a nursing home. I worked in the acute
rehab center where I played “cheerleader” to short-term residents to engage
them in such activities as bingo and arts and crafts. Most of these residents did not take me
seriously. They took one doubtful look
at me and spouted almost scornfully, “You could be my daughter. Why should I do what you tell me?” I played it off with a big smile and kept on
with pity, sympathy, and empathy deep inside me that many of these elderly residents
whether in my department or in others were waiting in wheelchairs for their
family to visit with many family members actually not visiting. I often find that feeling pity rather than
anger for someone makes for more tolerance, patience, and peace. I’ll take all that over anger. I actually loved my job! I always felt a kinship with the elderly. I
loved painting pretty pale pink nail polish on one of my favorite residents,
talking about the news events with another resident who always had her silver
strands plaited in a braid and walked delicately with her cane, and I even
loved one of the most fiery and crabby red-headed residents who stared outside
of the window waiting for her son who never really visited her. About three months into the job, though, I was
let go. The reason was that there were
cutbacks. I was not wanted. I was not needed. Rather than me choosing to leave on my own, I
was told to leave. I felt and was rejected and in tears to bid farewell to my
favorite residents. I was convinced and
my own worst enemy that I just did not do good enough with my very first job. I hate that I care so much when others could
not care less about me. I was told from those older than me that I was
young and resilient and it is different when you are older and when you are not
wanted AND there really are no job prospects because companies and organizations
are looking for younger and even cheaper labor.
I was told that when you are young, you are giving much more passes in
the work world than when you are older, you are just passed by like yesterday’s
news and the work world gets harder on you. To a certain degree, all my older and wiser peoples
were right. I moved on to next jobs. I bounced back quicker than I can imagine compared
to now. Months after my next job, I
found a job advertisement for the same job at the same location that I worked
at the nursing home. To me, it meant
that maybe there weren’t cutbacks and it was just me that I was not really
wanted for that role and that if people do not want you then they will find a
way to get rid of you or make your life miserable if you try really hard to
stay strong, stick around, and hold on. To see that job advertisement, it was a bit of
a reopened wound that brought back a flood of memories of my very first job, but
very important lessons came about and have stuck with me since. Us
complex-minded humans are very much about reverse psychology. When we are not wanted then we want it
more. When we are wanted then we do not
want it anymore. To have that choice or
free will to look someone or something upfront and confront and say: “Yes, I’m
choosing to leave now,” is drastically different than being told, “Yes, you
have to leave now.” The feelings of not
being good enough, less than, rejection, unwanted, unneeded, second best,
backburner, rebound, an option rather than a priority come crashing down on us
and bring us down when you are told to leave over having the choice to leave. Then, there is that knowing (alas, ignorance
is bliss) deep down inside when you are not wanted or needed, but choosing to
stay and hold on versus letting go and leaving because you just do not want
anyone or anything getting the best out of you and bringing out the worst. Over the years, it has become very clear to me
when I am not wanted and, if I have the choice, leave first where I am not
wanted or needed. Why stick around with
those who do not want you to stick around?
Why second guess when it is clear that I am second best? Perhaps
this all comes with confidence, worth, and self-esteem that is the ongoing
human struggle. When were you rejected? When did you reject someone else? When did you try to stick around and hold on
when you knew you were not wanted? Or
did you leave before being told to leave?
Keep smilin’ until we meet again, Mary ;-) |
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