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January 2019

Slant of Light

Slant of Light
Ink Black
Stars Moon
Look Above
Sea of Love
Savor all this
Here I sit
Here I rest
Think about fate
How we feel
Hurt and pain
How we heal
Real and raw
How we hope
And hold on
When all is gone
Tears I cried
Everything I tried
Fall down
Surround sounds
Stand Tall
Rise Up
I see you
I miss you
All is true
In the night
A sliver
A slice

Slant of Light


On Christmas Eve 2018, I unexpectedly received a message from one of my penpals from Europe.  We had not had contact in at least ten years.   The timing of his contact was impeccable because I was at my place of contemplation about how my 2018 had begun, how it turned out, and how it was going to end now into the start of 2019.   He asked how my life had played out all these years.  He shared about his steady job, his happy marriage, his house turned into a home, and his children.  
His life was exactly how I predicted that it would turn out to be.   My life had not.  
I thought about my life these past few years that was the complete antithesis to his picturesque and predictable life.  I found myself writing about surgeries and struggles, tragedies and triumphs, lots of laughter, tons of tears, pain, joy, deep reflections, and a most unpredictable life that had and still continues to somehow revolve around faith, strength, the magnitude of gratitude that all leave me totally and utterly awestruck and in amazement at how all these past years and how my life had played out in the most unpredictable ways.  Yet, the most stunning part about the unpredictability was how everything wove, fit, and pieced together in ways that made sense only in retrospect of the past and not endurance in the present.  You cannot tell me that you have never experienced situations where you were about to lose all hope or faith and were in the darkest of places and then somehow, someway, everything eventually fell into its own place and the light was brighter than ever. 
He has yet to respond to me.  I do not expect a response. 
I am sure that the way I turned out was not how he had predicted.  We had met when I was still in my 20’s.  I believe I told him that I would be married and have children by the time I was 24-years-old.  When I reflect on this sentiment of certainty, I have no idea how I even had this certainty when everything in my life had been completely uncertain.  While many my age were probably searching for love and/or a partner and had a desire to have children, I lacked interest in any of this.  Rather, I developed and unexplainable drive and passion about advocacy work for organ donation and transplantation, healthcare, and for any and all the underdogs who could not fight for themselves.  The perceptions and predictions in our minds are often not how they play out in reality.  We can make all the plans in the world (you are talking to type A planner here), but life just keeps on moving, going, and happening while you are living each and every day that have hidden treasures for us to be present with and savor.  Suffice to say, I connect with the fighters, the strugglers, the trailblazers, the different, the weird, the unusual, the unique, the misfits, the abnormal, the analyzers, the over thinkers, and those who have had the most unpredictable lives that do not fit the majority of society, and, yet, we all possess at least a little of all of these qualities.  
None of us have a crystal ball.  The future is only a question mark and mystery.  None of us can ever really predict and know how our hopes, dreams, plans, realities in our heads all revolved on our one single life to live will play out.  I never would have predicted half of what has happened in my rather crazy life that comes in during the routine that I thrive on and strive for.  Life can be wild and you cannot make up half the stuff that happens.  All I have wanted and wished for was a quiet and simple life, but that has not happened in my life, nor do I ever see it happening in my life.   I tell you this much that I know to be true:  The BEST that has happened at the WORST of my life were the surprises and the unpredictable that were thrown in for me to refocus and bring me back to the here and now of my life. 
The predictions that we have that often do not play out in reality.  Have you ever had a prediction that was spot on or not? What were predictions you had about your life and yourself?  How did and do you predict your life?  What were/are your goals, plans, and intentions?  How are predictions, goals, and plans connected?  Do you ever reflect on your life and the ‘becoming’ of you and processes that led you to where you are now and where you may go forward to?  What do you predict for 2019 in your life? 
Keep smilin’ until we meet again,

Mary ;-) 
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