I am accustomed to people
verbally bashing my biological mother. I
know they do this to try to try to make me feel better and show their loyalty
to and siding with me when my mother’s loyalty wavered and left me. The number one comment that is a question put
unto me about my mother with disgust, shock, and sadness is: “How can a mother
leave their child?” What they and many do not
know is the #1 gift I received from my mother was a lesson on loyalty. The only way I learned about and could fully
open and appreciate this gift was through my mother crushing loyalty by her
leaving. When she left, I made promises
to myself: I would be the strong one when everyone was weak. I
would give and people could take from me.
I would stand up when everyone sat. I would stay when everyone walked
away. I would be loyal when everyone
left and turned their backs. I would
NEVER become her. I would NEVER become my
mother. Over thirty years later
and I finally get a glimpse into explanations to why my mother and why some
people leave others when life is at its worst rather than its best. The truth is that it is exhausting, tiring,
draining, and completely unrealistic to always be the strong one who stands
tall and who has EVERYONE taking. The
truth is that feelings of resentment, anger, and being taken advantage kick in
and the thoughts run faster than the speed of light going: “Well, who the heck
cares about me?” The truth is that there
is a very thin and fine line that I am learning about loyalty that there may
come a point when you have to leave.
Everyone wants to be cared for and considered. It is never just a one way street, but when
it becomes one way, that is when the roads split. There you are at a crossroads to keep on
walking and staying the same course out of loyalty and comfort and the roles
that were created or to leave and try new and change with boundaries and
limitations. I recently had a
conversation with my sister about loyalty: I said, “Well, you cannot
just leave someone when that person is at their worst. It is easy to leave at the worst and stay at
the best when it needs to be the opposite.” “Sometimes, you cannot always stay. Sometimes, you have to leave.” “When do you know to leave or to be loyal?” I
asked. “When it is toxic to you.” So, I can understand. I can even say that I get it. I can even now explain (not defend) my mother
by saying: “Well, sometimes, the greatest gift you can give a person and to
yourself is to leave.” It is only when someone leaves and when you yourself leave that you learn the value of loyalty. A person cannot
be completely selfless without any boundaries or limitations. A person cannot always be loyal and stay true
on the outside when there are negative and ill effects on the inside. Suffice to say, the unwavering loyalty that I
held dear to me and against my mother wavers and I am about starting new. People may not like it. People may not even like you. But, what I am learning about at the core of
loyalty is to be loyal to others, you have to be loyal and true to
yourself. Loyalty is very delicate
that entails you continuing to stay or maybe eventually having to leave. When does loyalty end and the choice is to
leave and start anew? Have you ever reflected
on the roles you are in and how they were created and kept or when you had to
leave these expectations of you? Have
you ever said that you will never become one of your parents only to realize
that you are following in their footsteps?
When have you had to purposefully leave and loyalty ended because it was
toxic to you? What does loyalty entail? How loyal are you? Keep smilin’, Mary |
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