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Miss Mary: Posted on Monday, April 27, 2015 11:18 PM
I have never embraced change.
Say the word to me and I get this look of terror on my face,
the shakes of my body, and the rampage of thoughts attacking my mind until I am absolutely brain drained.
I am a creature of habit.
I like to stay in my comfort zone.
I embrace predictability, yet I crave these traits I desire from afar:
adaptability and flexibility. A big part
of me believes that I love and savor regular because the journey of my life has
been quite irregular, so I yearn some control in a life that has been fully out
of my control. But, then again, when do
we ever have control over anyone or anything?
Control is only an illusion.
So when my boss who is only a couple years younger than me
called me in his office to announce that I received a promotion, I plastered
the plastic exuberant expression on my face while my insides started to vibrate
uncontrollably like a tuning fork gone awry.
Don’t get me completely wrong.
I
certainly did feel excitement. Miniscule
excitement at that. The feeling of
apprehension overpowered the miniscule excitement I felt only because my
supervisor had recognized me for my hard work and efforts. Many outsiders may have viewed that my hard
work and efforts stemmed from trying to get ahead and climb up the ‘corporate’ ladder
in life, but, actually, my hard work and efforts stemmed for wanting to do
everything and anything I can and then some more for the cancer patients and
their family members that I work with.
I have told just about no one about this promotion. Only my closest friends and family know about
it. Their
immediate reaction is natural: Clamors of “Congratulations,” immediately
followed by the question: “Are you going to get more money?”
And, here’s the thing about me. I have never identified money as the most
important thing in my life, nor have I ever identified it as equivalent to
success. To me, my most important thing
in life and as I get older is “time,” or freedom, and good health. Time to spend with our loved ones. Time to do what we want and when we
want. Good health going hand in hand
with time to do all we can do to the fullest extent and in this one life to
live. We live in a world and a society
where the more education, the more money, the more overachieving we are (no
matter the price or people involved), the more of anything or anyone is always
better and improvement. To contradict
with this belief of “more is better” is the phrase “be happy with what you have
because you do not know when it will be taken away from you.” Isn’t this quite the struggle then
to want more to be better, yet then told to be happy with what he/she has?
When in doubt about the conundrums of life, I turn to my
Father who is probably the wisest person I know of. I asked him my question that has been burning
on my brain since I was working over 10 years ago: “At what point should a
person just be happy with what he/she has versus the motivation to become
better? Like, I’m just happy to have a
job and do not feel any desire for a supposed better-paying job. Does that make me lazy and unmotivated then? How can that be lazy of me when I am already
happy where I am and with what I’m doing?”
I asked him this question while I was driving us to a
restaurant for brunch. My father and I
have had some of our best conversations in the car with the windows cracked
open for fresh air and the mellow music playing softly as we chatter away. My father explained the balance to have
motivation in life without obsession.
Life requires and needs the little bit of stress to motivate and get a
person out of his/her comfort zone while never losing sight to who he/she
really is and staying true to the self.
Obsession is that danger zone of becoming overly stressed of the
illusions of supposed more or better and losing sight of who a person really is
in the process.
I’ve been thinking of my father’s words after these last few
brain draining days of training for the new promotion. And, as the days are inching closer to the go-live
date of a storm full of changes revolved around this promotion, I hear so many conflicting
voices in my head: Surrender and Let whatever is meant to happen to happen, Set
up boundaries of what I can and cannot do, Try my best, You can do it and you
have nothing to fear, and the voices go on and on in a dizzying circle.
And, when I close my eyes, the voices quiet
down with the simple truth that everything will be OK. But, most of all, the clarity that this ‘promotion’
is not about the job, but about myself and leaving behind what was to go
towards what is to come in as easy and even welcoming of a manner as
possible. The promotion is about
transitions of the self on this journey of life and adjusting to them while
staying wholesome to oneself. And, the
promotion is not about the paper money, but the personal rewards of myself in
the past, present, and future in life and not on the job.
Here is what is to come not on a job promotion, but on a personal
promotion and growth of learning, embracing change, becoming more adaptable,
and being about balance.
Keep smilin’, Mary |
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Miss Mary: Posted on Thursday, April 23, 2015 9:51 PM
Song for the Lonely
It is another hard day You want to burst into tears You want to give up hope You go home instead
It is an empty home Silence greets you Polished wooden floors shine The sound of the clock ticking echoes through the halls
It is too much to take You go for a glass of water to tame the suffocation in your
throat You turn on the TV for the background noises You begin to cook to occupy yourself and your tired soul,
spirit, and mind
It is a night for a steaming bowl of soup Comfort food to hold and hug you when no one else will The hot liquid touches your lips and nearly burns your
tongue The waiting for the soup to cool down begins
Night is descending like a dark blanket to envelope everyone You see the house across your empty house You see a woman crying and a man holding her as if he would
never let go You look around your kitchen table and you are alone
No one to hold you and whisper words of comfort in your ear No one to listen to you and your terrible day No one to talk to No one to listen to No one to share with
This is the song for the lonely This is for the lost souls who wish to find a soul mate This is for the dreamers who dream of finding the perfect
person when no one is perfect This is for fairytale lovers who grew up on illusions of
“Once Upon a Time…” and “Happily Ever After…”
This is for the searchers who crave and search for love, but
have not yet found it This is for everyone who wishes to grow old with someone,
but can’t even find someone to live life with This is for someone who will understand, when no one seems
to This is for anyone who is in a crowded room only to feel
broken down and alone
This is a song for myself To sing aloud when no one hears To dance to when no one is watching To hold me when I need to be held To listen to when no one is listening To sing me to sleep when no one will
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Miss Mary: Posted on Wednesday, April 15, 2015 10:32 PM
Everyone has a story to
share Everyone has many masks
to wear But does anyone really care? When we play our outer parts With such broken hearts But just because we are
breaking does not mean that we are broken
So, please, tell me your
story Because you are such a
mystery I wonder what is your
history And what you have been
through When life has been so
cruel
Sing me your song Strum the strings Play the keys Make your music While the night is young And the sky is bright
with a crescent-shaped moon and sprinkles of glittering stars You can reveal to me who
you really are
You look so sad I see it in your eyes Your inner anger is making
you mad There are no lies Because I can see who you
really are But you are so far And fleeting and flying
like a shooting star
In this world of coldness Remember the warm
kindness And that I am not scared And you do not need to be
afraid No need to hide or feelings
of shame You are much more than a
face or a name And, our lives will never
be the same
Sing me your song Strum the strings Play the keys Make your music While the night is young And the sky is bright
with a crescent-shaped moon and sprinkles of glittering stars You can reveal to me who
you really are
It is just the two of us
here You have nothing to fear I’ll hold you tight In my arms from the
sunrise of days to the sunset of nights I’ll collect all your
tears I’ll place them in a glass
jar You just be who you
really are
And always know this Time with you is sweet
bliss And, most of all, let me
tell you this All your broken pieces and jagged life scars Make you beautiful just
the way you are
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Miss Mary : Posted on Thursday, April 09, 2015 8:01 PM
This is a story of a firefly
that possessed a great gift of shining the brightest and most blinding light
that could flame the darkest of skies The firefly was also endearingly
charming With wide, innocent eyes A smile always on its
face Hugs to always embrace The firefly basked in the
glow that it had its own special place
Followers, worshippers,
and lovers always surrounded the firefly They saw the firefly as
flawless and perfect They could never suspect
that the firefly had any doubts or secrets
But, the firefly was actually
very afraid That its bright light
would eventually fade And that it would be all
alone And it would, someday, be
completely unknown
When the world slept, the
firefly asked to the midnight blue sky with glittering stars: “Who am I if I could
never shine this bright light to guide others into flight? Would these other fireflies love me for me,
or are they with me because I provide this shining light in the darkest of
nights?” There were no answers
from anyone and only the quiet Not a friend or caring
soul in sight to provide any wise and real insight To this dear firefly that
was fighting an internal fight
The firefly tried hard to
keep its lies of perfection on the outside While the insecurities
and fears ate away and alive on the inside And, as the firefly
became achingly grim Its bright, warm, glowing
light began to dim
But as the firefly and
its light started to die Not all, but only a very select
few flew to the firefly to flutter its wings and provide flickers and shooting
sparks As ways to show their love, comfort, support, and honor in the darkest of dark As the wings of the very
few flickered, they whispered that they understood that outer perfection was not
a true reflection of inner imperfections
The
firefly’s light began to brighten and blind again and up the night skies It comprehended
then when it was nearly at its end All this
wasted time with its fake façade lies That
could have been spent on finding who were its truest of friends And that truth and true
others were rare, few, and hard to come by These were the ones who
gave the shining, bright and blinding light that could flame the darkest of
skies |
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Miss Mary: Posted on Saturday, April 04, 2015 6:29 PM
Before I met you I was ColorBlind in my
mind My world were Grays, Blacks,
and Whites These monotones made up
my days and nights Everything and everyone
was simple, predictable, and alright
Then, you were there And the swirls of colors
began to appear Reds, Blues, Yellows, and
Greens I wondered what was
happening and what could this all mean?
Reds for the heat I feel and
the way you make my heart beat Blues for the cool and
cold sensations that appear when you are no longer there Yellows for fears that I
can lose you and you will no longer be here Greens for the
unexplainable feelings that I can never explain with transparent meanings
I was no longer
ColorBlind in your presence There would be memorable
moments of symphonic sounds or sweet silence When together, it was the
simple things that I wanted to last forever Our time together meant the
most without any paper money cost
But, we were not meant to
be My world now consists of
only me Now I know it to be true That I was ColorBlinded
by you
The reds are fading The yellows are mellowing The blues are cooling The greens are graying The colors are
disappearing, yet somewhat still surprisingly staying
My world is filling again
with Grays, Blacks, and Whites But there are still the swirls
of colors in my life You in my life for only a
short time was worth more than a lifetime Making me understand and
find That I am no longer ColorBlind |
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