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Miss Mary: Posted on Saturday, March 02, 2019 11:32 PM
Around Christmas of 1996, I was at my biological mother’s home when I received the devastating news that my aunt had finally succumbed to a rare throat esophageal cancer and died. This had been her second battle with the vicious and merciless cancer. We all knew it was coming, but even when it finally came, we were not ready. Nothing can ever really prepare you for death. Especially when you are not even a teenager yet or, at bare minimum, just beginning your teenage years.
For the second battle of cancer, my aunt lived with us. She was a math whiz and sat with me for hours trying to patiently explain numbers and formulas to me. I sat by her side reading to her or watching TV with her labored breath I saw what cancer did. I saw what cancer did to her. I saw what death looked like.
But, I also saw the rarity and beauty of what love looked like. And, yes, it is really so beautiful.
My father said that this aunt had always seemed to have a difficult and atypical life. She had been in an almost deadly car accident in her 20’s, causing her to be in a coma for several weeks or even months. She married late in life. She never had children. When she finally did marry, it was most happily to a round-faced and jovial man who would light up when she was in the room. It was soon after that they married that she was diagnosed with this rare form of cancer. Her husband was right by her side through all the vicious chemotherapy and radiation treatments that caused her to lose her hair, her weight, her saliva, and, eventually, her life. He was patient, kind, devoted, loyal, and loving. In turn, my aunt fought for life and living. There was a fire in her eyes. There was a fight in her spirit. She knew what I knew that life was the greatest gift. She also knew what I knew at a young age that we fight so hard for life/to live and quietly endured pain and suffering to lessen the burden to our loved ones while somehow feeling inadequate, never enough, and that we are ‘damaged goods.’
But here’s the thing: We are all damaged goods. We all have our stuff. We all have our baggage. We all have crosses to bear. We all have our dirty secrets and dark sides. We never really know someone and how they are feeling or what they are struggling with or what they may be going through. Growing up and particularly in the my 20’s and early 30’s, the feeling that I was ‘damaged goods’ was somehow more pronounced and weighed on me to the point of me actually pushing away any guy who would get close to me because of this intense feeling that I was too damaged because of all of my ongoing health issues and that he would never understand. I would share my insecurities with my Dad: “I do not know what anyone sees in me.” My ever wise, patient, and loving father said to me, “You have a lot to offer. You bring so much to the table. You never know how people see or perceive you, and you are just your own worst enemy and critic.”
Lately, I find myself thinking about my aunt who passed on after her very painful bout with cancer and her devoted husband. I think I have been thinking about them because of another friend who recently died after her ongoing struggles with cystic fibrosis; She has left behind her daughter and husband. I think that life is full of challenges that damage and hurt us beyond measure and that we are not meant to endure alone, but meant to share together with the people or a special person who can lift you up when life lets you down. We are not islands and are meant to connect and share. When I shared with one of my good friends my recent thoughts on my aunt and this other friend who recently died of cystic fibrosis, my friend said to me, “If I knew that the person I had fallen in love with or loved had less time on this earth and had some chronic health problems, I would stay by that person. I rather a short time with someone I love and care about then a long time with someone I am miserable with.”
Our worth and
perceptions of ourselves can be very different compared to the perceptions that
others have of us. Would you be with
someone knowing that you would not have much time with them or that the time
would be challenging and painful, yet that time with them was all the worthwhile? In essence, quality versus quantity? What is your threshold of ‘stuff’ that
another has or carries? Have you ever
felt like ‘damaged goods’ and not ‘worthy’ of love? How do you see yourself and how you have been
damaged or hurt? What is your
worth?
Keep smilin’ until we
meet again,
Mary ;-)
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Miss Mary: Posted on Sunday, February 24, 2019 10:37 PM
Happy Place
On a rainy
day I got in my
car I went away Further and
Far I drove up To your
happy place To feel your
love To bask in
your joy Where you
smiled Where you
laughed In your
place of peace In your
happy place
Memories
return And I yearn For what was And no longer
is A very dull
ache A very deep
burn I am
breaking But I am not
broken Because I am
smiling At all I am
remembering It was just
like yesterday But it is
today And there
are no more tomorrows With you in
it In such deep
sorrow I stop,
stare, and sit Savoring all
this The snowy
hills The misty
fog Muddy
puddles Flowers
underground Chirping
sounds Air so thick My breath so
thin Gets under
my skin I could not
see A single
thing I could feel How
everything Sharply stings
The sun shines Blurred
lines I got in my
car Watched from
afar I quietly
prayed Wishing you
peace In your new
time and space Do not worry
about me I understand
more than you will ever know That you had
to go That you had
to leave To be free You had to
go away To your
place of peace To your
happy place |
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Miss Mary: Posted on Wednesday, February 20, 2019 10:52 AM
My stepmom is a woman of few words. This is not a line you often hear when it comes to women, but one out of the many admirations I have for my stepmom is how she speaks in volumes with her actions in humble ways rather than in loud spoken words.
Just about every weekend that I visit her and my father, my Stepmother always has a bag of food prepared and packed for me to bring home. She knows my favorite Chinese foods like sesame and taro balls that only SHE can pick out in a Chinese supermarket and have ready for me when I visit. She was the one to make me ‘bone soup’ after my hip replacement surgery to fortify my weak bones and even weaker spirit into gaining strength back to learn to walk all over again. Yet, the #1 way that my stepmom has shown and spoken her love and care for me is what she has known best: Coats to keep me warm.
Love is spoken and shown in different ways. There are people who will say that they love you, but their actions will not match their words. The words will lift you up and make you feel good only for a little while until you are crushed into questioning if that person really and truly knows you, cares about you, or, even, loves you. There are people who will spend tons of money on materialistic things with the belief that money can solve problems and show and speak love. A diamond ring. A dozen stemmed roses. The thing is that things are only things that mean absolutely nothing and are only a something when there is a meaning or message behind or inside them. There are people who do not know how to say or speak “I Love You” verbally and who are closed off with their emotions, but will show and speak their love in what they do on the outside from their innermost feelings on the inside.
No way am I a love expert. I have yet to even experience love in the romantic sense or this supposed ‘falling in love’ that only seems existent to me in Hollywood movies, but I certainly have felt deep love and care for family and friends. If you look up “Love” on the Internet, there are endless definitions that force you to keep on scrolling and skimming down the screen. I think that there are many kinds of love: Love for ourselves (not in a selfish sense, but to respect and care for yourself) and Love between or among family, friends, and beyond. I think love is something that cannot be explained or defined. Love is something felt deep within that cannot really put into definitive words. Love is felt over time and in the seemingly littlest of ways and actions that mean the most and amount to growth in any and all relationships. I think love grows, stretches, and spans over time and requires loads of ingredients like trust, laughter, care, nurturing, patience, faith, loyalty, and even more. And Love is NOT always kind, but can be extremely hurtful and painful, but all the more worthwhile because, as I say and believe, it is better to feel something than nothing at all. All in all, I believe that Love is like my Stepmother’s coats that have kept and continue to keep me warm and safe in the coldest and hardest of days.
Love lies in the little acts of kindness that people show and not only say. How do you know when someone loves you? What kind acts or good deeds have people taken to show that they care about or even love you? Is it important for you to HEAR words of “I Love You” or to be the recipient of true actions of love and care? What is love to you? Who is keeping you warm?
Keep smilin’ until we meet again, Mary ;-)
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Miss Mary: Posted on Sunday, February 17, 2019 9:31 PM
The Edge
We are The Stars Twinkle Sparkle Radiant Brilliant Bright Night Razor Sharp Paper Thin Think Thoughts Catch Caught Savor Flavors Thick Skin Lose Win Sit Stand Little Lot Laugh Cry Half Whole Less More Balance Act Look Back The fool The joker The loser The winner The saint The sinner My mistakes My heartbreaks No regrets Any of it All I did All I do All I was All I am Working to be Better than best Version of me We are Waking Walking On a tightrope A very fine line Trying to cope Holding on to hope Looking down Trying to be found Into an abyss Taking Risks Breaking Rules Making the Most Meaning of this Passion Purpose Kindness Matters Compassion Empowers Those in Need Good Deeds Grace of God Fear Nothing Do Something Cause Effect Affect Impact Commotion Motion Progress Process Eyes shut tight Eyes wide open To the blinding
light Stand Tall Free Fall Jump Leap Keep Faith Deep End Begin Again On the Edge |
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Miss Mary: Posted on Tuesday, February 12, 2019 7:23 PM
Noise
Loud Crowds All Around Push me Around Pull me Down Drown the Sounds And all the Doubts Figuring it out What’s it all about?
Oh how cruel They played me for the fool All the rules Were made to break Though they think They are clever But they will never Be able to read The thoughts in my head My silence speaks For the weak Shatters and breaks Loud and clear For them to hear
I do not forget I do not let go So easily now Or how What you did Cannot be undone I bite my tongue But I can take it While I could sit Like everyone else And do nothing Lies to myself So I stand up To do something
Anger is one letter Short of Danger I use it for the better Fuel my Soul Fill the Hole Fire in my Belly I am Ready The actions I take My voice Will make Some Noise Now |
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