“You have trust issues,” she spouted off bluntly to me.
I paused. I prided myself in coming up with a quick response back, but, this time, I could not because what she said was the God’s honest truth. The unsettling part was that this person who said this to me was not a close family or friend. She wasn’t even an acquaintance. More often than not, it takes someone who is not so emotionally attached and from the outside to really SEE you. Has that happened to you? Maybe strangers are not so strange.
I said slowly, “I admit it. I have major trust issues. I put up an invisible wall, but who doesn’t? Who can you say has been free hurt, pain, and rejection from another human being who, naturally, does not intend to inflict harm? Can you blame me or anyone who is increasingly suspicious and mistrustful of others in the times we are in? Can you blame anyone who becomes more jaded and bitter in life? No one is REALLY going to help you and be there for you at your worst unless they are a family member, a close and rare and true friend who teeters on a family member status and who genuinely cares about you or is a caring person, or if you pay them because money talks. You know who cares about you and who does not, and the only way you know that is when you are at your worst rather than your best.”
She looked at me with big and sympathetic eyes and said, “No, I get it. And, that’s sad.”
Yes, it is sad. It is even sadder to say, but I trust people less and less. Has anyone ever said to you that you have major trust issues? I rarely ever go to or ask anyone for anything and, when I do, it is because I REALLY need help AND because I really trust the person. I’ve grown accustomed to doing everything on my own and depending on myself first and foremost. People have commented that I am fiercely independent, but only if they knew how difficult it is for me to ask for help and how I only go to maybe one or two people for help excluding my parents. I probably go to my parents less and less for help and as a last resort now as that comes with the territory of growing up and independence.
I am understanding now just how incredibly limited and flawed we are as humans and how we are so wrapped up with our own problems and issues that we cannot, will not, and, most of all, are simply unable to even meet people’s certain needs and especially go the extra mile. We all have different needs, weakness, and vulnerabilities. You never know what another person’s history and really what that person endured and how the person was burnt or hurt. Your reference point of meeting someone and getting to know them as at that point and nothing beforehand. Everyone needs help and people do need people.
People also have different gifts to give and varied purposes to serve in their live and in the lives of others, and we learn who we can go to for what through the slow development of getting to know each other’s strengths and weaknesses. I have also become increasingly selective with who I go to for what. You really cannot expect anything from anyone. I no longer believe in words, and only believe in actions. Anyone can say anything. Not just anyone can act upon easily spoken words. I also understand how we become more jaded and bitter of others after being hurt and rejected so many times. With that said, as much as we learn from being burnt and the biting truths of reality, I still hold on to optimism, hope, and the goodness in people that I believe exists in everyone. Being burnt by the many makes me all the more grateful for the few and far between who not only come through, but exceed anything I could have ever hoped for or imagined. Perhaps I am naïve, but kindness, optimism, and believing and seeing the best in people matters. All of this matters in the matter of trust.
I can now understand how people become increasingly jaded, mistrustful, and suspicious of others after being burnt and hurt one too many times. Trust is a precious and delicate beauty that grows and stretches over a long period of time, yet it will take just one bump that can destroy and bring that relationship down. Do you easily trust others? Have you come to trust people less and less as you have grown older and older? What are your weakness and vulnerabilities that people know about you and have managed to come through to meet your needs, or you vice versa? Who do you REALLY trust?
Keep smilin’ until we meet again,